The Burning & The Self Edge

heart-form cups, encloses, softness of brittle dryness.

the edge

the very edge

touched
by warmth

turn turn the other cheek turn again

fold in.

selvedges that aren’t so neat
brink of senses feeling

a roll of cloth flies open I cannot gather it all into my arms

that which I can
I crumple
crease.
wrap round roll in bind tight
my edge held tight
covered tight

mistake:
now my inside is wrapped around my outside

the selvedge is to stop the unravelling
the edge of the same, the edge of the self

scar tissue isn’t so pretty
best to unwrap, fold flat,
concertina
neat
slip this that other inside, hide
smooth

splitting yet bound

A scalding creature has slipped inside my skin
It threatens to explode scatter out and screams
to be held tight.
It is a wanting creature

or perhaps it is an icy creature
under skin, into ribs

the soft creature deep inside
stretches out a shadow hand
and places it over a left lung high on the ribcage
a thumb touching a sternum

23:36 christmas eve

The best thing that I have done today is to go outside this balmy mild blowy night, after eleven, despite feeling suddenly sad and hurting physically. The air wrapping, shifting around me. The dog enjoying a longer [in time not length] bedtime walk than normal. Standing in the dark realising how much I want to find words. To listen for them, to actively seek them, also to wait for them.


It didn’t matter that it isn’t wintery, that I am sad, that I hurt. I smile. But I could cry.

*

in my memory of the future I put my hand onto the ground. A mix of mud and ice and snow and rocks. I can only feel texture not the temperature


Slip in mud until the world spins

[môr o goed | a sea of trees]

huge waves lift and fall
trees bend and dance in the roar
or does the land move?

eyelids closed

dance feet on floor weight

weight
ache to the ground
weight all body
into the ground let it
take it. Stretch until it
starts to break my
heart

listentofeeltomoveornottobestilltolistenwithwholeselfnotforaudibledecibelcountedsoundbutflickertightnesssensation

I want to feel something but please not too much otherwise the rest comes pouring in and I’m not sure my bucket is big enough and I can’t deal with a slippery floor

whydoesitneedtobecontainedheldupin?

ribs

I could not sit any longer with myself, the bird inside had big wings today, it tried to unfold them and pressed hard against the inside of my ribs. So I poured a deep, deep bath, a pool would have been better – or warm salty sea. I suspect if I was doing body work along the lines of Arnold Mindell he would probably say I should have stayed with the sensation and observed it; as one would with meditation. But sometimes a little softness is needed.


And when the bird inside seems be a damn albatross a bath is a Good Idea.

another titw tomas las

oh little blue green bird, little scrap of life. I cannot find how this one or the one yesterday got in. This time it hits the window so hard it falls to the floor. I hold it in my hands to keep it warm, I feel the aliveness. I sit on the window sill and slowly open my hands. Eventually it gets up, it sits beak open. It starts to look around. After about ten minutes it flies to the apple tree. Its right eye has been hit rather hard.