Les

Leslie Douglas Kingswood

16th December 1936 - 24th October 2007

He came in from the garden as it grew dark and cool, took off his gloves and boots and was gone....

azure & gold morning

Is this the end of the dahlias? The forecast is for frost. There are so many of them, and a smothering of buds still. The sun spangles the water droplets.
The man who planted the dahlias lies dying and I wonder if this week will bring his death too, it seems very possible. Should we have early fireworks, he enjoys them so much?



and I stole someone elses words (P.A.N.) for this morning elsewhere, and used them here in the title.

goose moon

I am not convinced by life, by my life, which is a damnable thing to say as I watch someone else die, I am sure they value their life, terrible timing, when they seemed to have been finally enjoying things.

A just past half moon slices through clouds low over the hill, and geese fly cackling past in their v's.

I suddenly think of a poem that has lodged in my memory for many years
As I Walked Out One Evening. W.H. Auden of which I shall quote some excerps below:

"I'll love you till the ocean
Is folded and hung up to dry
And the seven stars go squawking
Like geese about the sky.
........

"O plunge your hands in water,
Plunge them in up to the wrist;
Stare, stare in the basin
And wonder what you've missed.

"The glacier knocks in the cupboard,
The desert sighs in the bed,
And the crack in the tea-cup opens
A lane to the land of the dead.
.........

"O look, look in the mirror?
O look in your distress:
Life remains a blessing
Although you cannot bless.

"O stand, stand at the window
As the tears scald and start;
You shall love your crooked neighbour
With your crooked heart."
...

poppy

a poppy weeded out of the garden, unfolding like a butterfly from the chrysalis, like crumpled silk easing out.





Poppies commemorate the dead of the wars. I think of death and how to cope with watching someone die, see health care mistakes that cause a drop in quality of life that needn't have occurred. A book has been lent by the Paul Satori Foundation (hospice care at home in pembrokeshire). it is an old book from 1988 I think: I don't know what to say; how to help and support someone who is dying by Dr. Robert Buckman. It seems very sensible and caring and I am going to quote something I found in the in the introduction:

"Before we go any further I think I ought to come clean and say that I don't believe in the mystique of death. I don't believe that death is a fine and wonderful thing in itself. I don't see it as a white light, a secret garden, a butterfly coming out of a cocoon or any other concrete image, however beautiful. Some people do have strong images like these which give them inner peace and tranquility and allow them to accept dying with little difficulty. But for many people, that kind of inner support isn't there - which is one of the main reasons why this book is needed."

I am greatly relieved by this, though of course I would love a magic wand to make it not so.

Robert Buckman believes that we live in a society in which dying is not part of the business of living any longer, a materially valuing society where life is fun, and death is the end of fun. He also points out that death is often not the rosy ideal of an elderly person gently fading away surrounded by nearest dearest. In previous times with extended families living together, death was witnessed more in the home, and the not so rosy aspect would have been clear. More people do die in hospital now.

I am witnessing the home death where there is a lot of discomfort and very very little communication - above the practicalities. It also reveals to me the materialistic strangely prioritised society we are, where carers who come in and do essential help don't actually even receive minimum wage because their travel between clients is not paid, in a rural area this is truly ridiculous. Even the care of children, a vital job, is viewed as a lowly task in that women can go back to work and get some change from their wages after paying for child care (before anyone asks I am a feminist, will admit to it, though really believe in equality for all, but I do see a lot of inequality for women around the world).

Child care and care for the sick and dying should be the fundamental concern of a civilised country after all are fed, watered and housed.

impressions

'a lot of god and saddness' was the feedback that I got about this blog, from a close friend - who lives far away; I thought this a curious impression. but then I can't get that sort of impression because I am creating the blog, I of course have my overall impression, but it is from inside. Like all of life I can't step out of it and look clearly. Of course in some forms of meditation I can be the observer. Is it good to note other's impressions of oneself; or as a therapist told me to remember: 'what anyone else thinks of me is none of my business'? But sometimes one needs that view from the outside to process along with the inside information. One might disagree, or even be shocked about that which others tell of oneself! And different people will view the same behavior in oneself in different ways, probably according to their experience of one to date.... and their own views and reactions on and to life... oh it's just so complicated being, or is it simple?

I would be happy if:
I lost some weight
I was well
there was no war
I still had a companion in lonliness
I sold more work
I created more work
I had good skin
I had money to spare
all food was organic
Les wasn't dying
I could afford to visit Montreal
I had my own home
I was 'good' at meditation

how very silly it all is.....

If I could only accept everything as it is....