it's hard

It's hard feeling stuck, nowhere to turn, to reach out to. Cold frozen stone, unable to be shifted...then it thawed. When will it thaw for me?

Sometimes it seems the walls are almost touching my eyelashes, but beyond is vast and barren.

spring waiting

I hear a chaffinch sing and my heart falls apart. unbearable beauty and an inability to face spring myself.

And there is spring also waiting in buds, in the frost and snow.

blood

It's just weird sometimes... I bleed, it can make me feel very unwell; it's just about being a woman, a female. But it's all so pointless. A constant reminder of the continuous measure of my infertility, and a more painful and prolonged than the average reminder, each month. Oh of course sometimes I'm in full acceptance of it...this is what it is, how it is. But some times I get caught out....maybe an extra pain, an unexpected pouring and I can feel quite desolate or angry or hopeless. Then there will be the menopause to look forward to.

Is it any good speaking the anger? Is there too much confessional therapy one can do? Sometimes it brings others with similar experience, with something to share. I don't know, I really don't know. There is some stuff I've written it feels like it needs to be said but to who? Perhaps I'll think about it then come back and make a link to it...

I think of all the snow and frost and how it makes me feel more me, how it feels right, how I can feel happy in it. Red & white... none of it makes sense, but maybe that's ok. Life is a paradox anyway, isn't it?

a web

The entire chain is one. Down to the last link, everything is linked to everything else; so divine essence is below as well as above, in heaven and on earth. There is nothing else.

Book of the Pomegranate: Moses de Leon's Sefer Ha-Rimmon

my dark pillow

winter in spring April 6th

at last we have snow. I had given up hope. I awoke with a migraine, I broke my camera but it snowed. Twice it snowed and thawed in one day.

It is not entirely true to say I feel happy when I am in snow, it is more like I feel complete. It is like that trick of putting two patterned transparencies over each other, they make a myriad of moire patterns then suddenly they sit over the top of each other and they snap into place as one, that is how I feel.

a set of images are here