Monday, 11 August 2008

shadow


It is not raining, but overcast and cool with a breeze. Beautiful wave clouds like sit like whales above the mountain. As I go up to do the morning chicken duty the dog huffs and puffs a trail after some creature that has wandered during the night.
I felt last night that I was recovering from a wobbly spell, but this morning discover that I am not. All anxiety and shaking....does it come from the physical first? How can I tell? And what to do if it does? Certainly my hands and knees are worse. Is it a muddle of both? I feel unable to find a way to deal with it apart from keep moving forward, don't overdo it on a physical or emotional level, but don't stop; I have to go through. There are good reasons why I want to "get a life", to be emotionally and physically very able, apart from just for myself. Does having an outside goal help or hinder? Oh how I am all questions and confusion!
I have described the feeling of being in a deep soggy sofa that is impossible to get out of, I keep trying because I want to, but my energy and resolve are forever sapped. It brings tears to my eyes. It is almost time but not quite: seeing the possibility makes me want to grab it now. At least I see possibility now, can think about the future without going into a flat spin panic.
It's been a hard few years, but today is today is today. Doing battle is daft but I can't give in, I want too much to do that.
The air is full of birch seeds and the ground sprinkled liberally with them.
A wistful, hopeful tale:
Two kittens trek around the coast paths, one encouraging the other; looking at sea and sunset. Liking the wet water in very unkitten like ways. Occasional rough and tumble in play. Picking up pebbles, sniffing the air and the flowers. Enjoying the simple things, all pink noses, whiskers and curiosity. Eating morsels of this and that, whatever takes the fancy. Joy and sharing; caring.

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