Thursday, 22 April 2010


Apple blossoms coming on the early flowering tree on the estuary (16th April) 2009; 2008. Quite late this year.
The sun shines through thin cloud. a mistle thrush and a willow warbler sings. but emotionally & physically i am a lead weight. I get cross at the dog - when I do the met readings he sits up the field and will rarely bring me the ball to throw, just looks at me with a hang dog expression; sometimes he brings it when I am reading the soil thermomenters, so easy for me to throw, but not today. I tried to be kind and walked up field to pick up, he wouldn't even meet me half way. I just don;t have the energy for that. But he doesn't ask much. I can't even please the dog!!
What is this weight? Do I muddle emotional & physical? Is it all just everything: exhaustion & a cold? Bach flower remedies come to mind...
On monday someone assumed I was pregnant, a devastating thing for me. A close friend has just had a baby and I tread on egg shells with myself, feel her delight. It brought out the hissing and spitting me mentioned earlier...and the the sad grief laden one, but I bit my tongue beyond saying "an impossibility" . I like wearing loose clothes, a lovely collection of old nighties and shirts, but become wary of doing so when I put on weight. My shoulders and upper chest don't look "fat" so belly big seems to mean one thing to people. Why make such personal assumptions with people you don't really know?
This is ridiculous too sad too tearful.
So many things to do in the next month. And I'll have a birthday.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I've got to hand it to you