Sunday, 4 April 2010
how to proceed...
I was at a funeral the other week. Someone very embedded in my life. It also meant meeting people I hadn't seen for almost 30 years: how are you? what do you do? married? children? where do you live now? OK, nothing, no, no, still here.
Also was reminded of L as one of the women who sang a verse for us at his funeral was two rows behind me...heavenly voice but sad memories too.
That morning I had woken very sad, a gentle happy dream.... but made me feel grief for things lost; then I felt guilty because there were others who had had a terrible loss, a mother, wife, grandmother.
So I rattle around in my self made cage. But I let the sun shine on my face yesterday, a warm gentle day - such a surprise after the cold breezes. Then I got angry and inevitably sad, and wondered if this is it, no such thing as happiness except for little moments of sun on cheek, never a hand ... blackbirdsong, snowflakes falling. Uncurl...then crush my finger nails into my palm.
can I spit it all out and make something of my brief precious life? Do I care? Would I rather sink into the bog? What does it matter?
The vocation of no vocation. Too hard.
pull your socks up
pull yourself together
get it together
if writing/saying it makes a difference to me... helps the unfolding...then it makes a difference to others; can't really be all that pleasant having a miserable person around, but then some of them don't realise.
how to feel acceptable...
tired tired tired.
smile: too tired too be angry right now.