Wednesday, 16 June 2010

this world - a road to nowhere

This world all too much; too hard, too sad. Outside two fragile chirupping blackbirds make their way into life, fumbling in bushes. Every time I hear their sweet sound I remember the sound of the one that was caught by the cat across the road...the same noise but louder more urgent...more shrill; then the parents alarm calls at the cat for some two hours.

I can't deal with myself very well, my anger, my guilt at feeling sad when I have food, a roof over my head, parents. There is a feeling of dullness falling, resignation...hard to describe. Accept the futility, the loneliness. But then all the wretchedness in the world, the corruption. Government millionaire ministers that talk of getting people off benefit into jobs that don't exist, being hard on crime whilst women are brought into this country illegally for the sex trade and when they have the courage to go to the police get treated as criminals, illegal immigrants. Some come here so young. What sort of a country, world, do I live in? A country where people still hide that they are gay, where people of a different colour/religion are hated and feared. then there are those that think we are on the brink of a new consciousness, such a wild idea, like apocalyptic theories, I think all part of the human condition and and the desperate struggle with mortality.

Tomorrow I'll try and make something of the day...go looking for bee orchids, if my legs and back allow.
But right now I just feel like waiting with the swifts and when they fly in late July, early August, just stepping into the sea and swimming south south south. Oh the ridiculous state of being too scared to live to scared to maybe not having much will to live, to live with joy. I just get bad tempered and angry with everyone. A close friend says well have you found somewhere to live in Bristol, when I haven't even sorted out if I can go. How would I find somewhere to rent now when I'll not go til the end of September? Do I spend money going to MA shows in July or save it to pay fees? How will I afford a computer? Could I do it without one?

Shall I go and see the sun set? shall I go to bed? Can't have a bath as nothing comes out of the hot water taps and the plumber has not returned in a week. I don't have to be here, but I need my space. My space to feel sad or cross. There is whole bottle of sparkling wine in the fridge... There's some tea in the pot. How perverse I am, sitting in a cold room on a sunny evening - although the clear sky is causing the temperature to drop.

Ah - a sigh for a warm sea to float in, for salt water to hold me to touch me, to feel my edges but feel contained and held.

1 comment:

hellophotokitty said...

"Oh the ridiculous state of being too scared to live to scared to die."

I know that feeling well my dear. Hold strong. This too shall pass.

How interesting that you posted this and speak about wanting to float in a warm ocean. Check out my 2nd (or 3rd ) to last post. I too dreamt of floating in an ocean. Sometimes the farthest distance between two shores is the one we create in our heads.